CyberBeer reminds me of this cautionary tale: Tesla is releasing a limited-edition beer this month to celebrate the eventual launch of the super geometric-looking, super-nonexistent CyberTruck. Elon Musk, the Caroline Calloway of Silicon Valley, “debuted” the truck four years ago. In the meantime, CyberBeer is here to hold antsy fans over with two bottles of beer and two angular ceramic steins for just $150. The beer is a Helles Lager brewed by Buzzrock Brewing Company in Torrance, California, with “herb and spice” tasting notes and “aromas of tea and citrus.” It comes with an optional $50 CyberOpener (?!) add-on. (Unfortunately at this point in this CyberBlurb, despite the scammy, villainous energy of this launch, I am starting to vibe with the “cyber” nomenclature. It is kind of camp, sorry!)
Of course, there is absolutely no need to line Elon Musk’s pockets with any more cash. He has clearly attended the Caroline Calloway School of Scams, though, and CyberBeer is the pointy-looking result. When are CyberTrucks themselves finally arriving, you ask? Tesla says it’s fully rolling the cars out “,” an impressively shameless non-date. Meanwhile, the beer has reportedly sold out already. 3.9/5 CyberDistressing. —Karen Yuan, culture editor
Did you think, back in 2020 when you were casually sipping a White Claw, that mere years later we’d be in the midst of a canned cocktail hurricane? I know I didn’t. And now look where we are: Sprite and Vodka in cans, so that we can drink exactly like our high school selves. The product is launching in a few European markets, so Americans will be spared, for now. But, if you ask me, it’s only a matter of time until someone shows up for your dinner party with a tepid case of Sprite and Vodka cans under their arm. You’ll welcome them in, and pretend to be excited about the frankly absurd beverage they’ve introduced to your home—“Oh my God, I’ve been wanting to try these!”—but you’ll know, and I’ll know, that this is the last time you’ll invite that friend to your house. I’m giving this one a blacked out, sickly sweet 1.3/5 distressing —Sam Stone, staff writer
For a stunt and social experiment, UK journalist and documentarian Oobah Butler recently collected bottles full of pee from the side of the road, discarded by Amazon drivers, and attempted to sell them on Amazon—basically, just to see if he could. In short, he could.
There are layers of distress in this story. First of all, it’s news to me that Amazon drivers are peeing in bottles, though that ultimately and unfortunately does fit into Amazon’s overarching dystopia arc. On top of these horrible working conditions, it’s further distressing to hear that that pee was bottled and allowed to be sold on Amazon, but based on the quality of some of the stuff I’ve gotten from Amazon in the past, it’s not completely surprising“I thought that the food and drinks licensing would stop me from listing it, so I started it out in this Refillable Pump Dispenser category,” Butler told Wired. “Then the algorithm moved it into drinks.” An Amazon spokesperson characterized it to Wired as a “crude stunt” and touted Amazon’s “industry-leading tools to prevent genuinely unsafe products being listed.” Still, personally, I am never trying unfamiliar drinks off the internet again. 4.9/5 distressing —S.S.